[Tootsie]

I lost my grandmother to cancer 2 nights ago. She was 71. I was able to spend time with her last February and am so glad I did. But I feel this ickiness inside and I keep seeing her face. I thought I would be alright but I am not. I miss her. Anyone know what I am going through? I am mad and sad at the same time. We were close. She helped raised me and was the most selfless person I ever knew. I’ve never felt like this before. It’s a horrible feeling. How do you cope? I think taking walks with my hubby and dog and getting fresh air helps some, but when I get back home, I get down again.

FAR - 76
AUD - 88!!! DONE!!!!!!!!
BEC - 76
REG - 77

never, never, never give up

[mla1169]

I am so sorry for your loss Tootsie. The “icky” feeling never completely goes away unfortunately. But with time (that you haven't had much of yet) the happy memories overtake the sadness. Let yourself feel the way you feel for now, you're still absorbing it.

FAR- 77
AUD -49, 71, 84
REG -56,75!
BEC -75

Massachusetts CPA (non reporting) since 3/12.

[smp73]

So sorry Tootsie. My father just passed away (April 15). I was estranged from him so it is different than losing someone close. But I still have all the icky feeling, just a lot complicated because of the relationship. I have been angry, sad, mad as hell, tears. The works.

I am still having issues sleeping…so I try and stay active as much as possible during the day so I am worn out when it is bed time. I have dogs and take them for really long walks…it does seem to help. I am fine if I am busy but when I stop to try and relax I am not so fine. I think it is all part of the grieving process. What has helped me is acknowledging the feelings (the anger, the sadness and for me extreme guilt) and being honest with myself. I am not “grieving” the way people think I should but it is a very personal process. Let yourself feel these feelings, cry if you have to, yell if you have to and be angry if you have to. Just be honest with yourself. Hug your dogs, hug your husband…things will be different but you will be okay.

NYS CPA License # 113563
CIA: Done as of 2/15/14

Training for a half marathon post studying!

[Anonymous]

Tootsie, I know exactly how you feel, I lost my grandmother (who played a huge part in raising me) on April 6th and I still have breakdowns. The first week I felt pretty much like you are feeling right now. She was 96 and I am thankful that I was able to be with her when she passed so she wasn't alone. I was looking at a scrapbook the other night and saw a pic of her holding my daughter when she was born at the hospital. I just broke down when I saw that. I think it is going to take a while to reach the point of not feeling icky. It has only been a couple of days but you will get better.

[Anonymous]

@Tootsie – I am so sorry for your loss. I know how I felt when I was sitting by my dad's bedside when he died two years ago. I was working Audit problems. Part of me is mad at myself for studying instead of watching every breath he took. But an even bigger part of me knew that he wanted me to succeed and there was nothing I could have done to help him. He had COPD and had made the decision, without telling his daughters he had done so, to opt for palliative care instead of continuing to fight. There are days that I am mad at him for making this decision because if felt like he gave up and just quit. I want to scream at him for doing what he refused to let me do! But I now have a glimpse into what his world must have been like, because I've had times when breathing was difficult at best. I can't imagine feeling like that all of the time.

I still feel icky from time to time, but I don't think that ever goes away. It sort of becomes your new “normal” and you don't notice it as much. Some people say that “time heals all wounds”. I don't believe that. I believe that time makes the wounds more tolerable.

You are in my prayers. Take some time for yourself and do what you need to do. We are here for you!

[Anonymous]

I lost my aunt (whom I was very close to) to cancer a few years ago. It's ok to be sad and angry at the same time. It takes a while for that “icky” feeling to go away. Even now, almost 3 1/2 years later, there are still days that hurt. There was a specific song that I remember hearing on the radio while driving from the funeral home to the church for the funeral mass (yes, I had the radio on – it was the only thing that kept me from breaking down in my car, although I couldn't tell you what else played other than this one song). That song still makes me cry occasionally. It used to be every time I heard the song I would cry, and it gets a little easier as time passes.

Let yourself feel however you feel. Don't beat yourself up if you find yourself feeling angry. Losing someone close to you is hard, and only time makes it easier.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[HustlinHustlin]

So sorry for you loss. I know how much I hate when people say “I know how you feel” but I was in this same exact situation just 2 months ago.

My grandmother also passed away after a short struggle with small cell lung cancer in February. When it was discovered, she was given 4 months, and lived for one despite her positive attitude and young age (she was in her early 70's). I was also very close and raised by her.

That month was an emotional roller coaster. Everyday I was waiting for the call saying she had passed away, she'd get released from the hospital and immediately taken back in. My family and I were in constant shambles and I felt guilt knowing that she never wanted us to feel sad.

The coping is difficult, but it needs to happen. I cried almost everyday up until her service. For me, I felt a ton better after her service and sorting out her belongings among our family. Seeing how many lives she touched, learning all of her adventures, and seeing the big and loving family she created put me at peace and I knew that she had lived a great a satisfying life.

I think in time you will start to look at it differently. She is still around and you can sense her presence at times. She is just in a better place, without suffering and watching you live out your life, the way she would have wanted you to.

All of this happened in the middle of my retake for FAR, which partially explains the score. My gramma would have never let me use that as an excuse though, so I think of her every time I push myself in this process, and how she was so proud of me.

If you need someone to talk to, I'd be happy to give you my contact information.

B 71 - 79 EXPIRED
A 69 - 75 EXPIRED
R 65 - 48 - 45
F 56 - 61 - 65 - 64

Becker, Wiley Test Bank, Wiley Text and Ninja Notes

"The fish who keeps on swimming is the first to chill upstream" -311

Experience - Done, like WAAAY done.
Still need 30 more credits, in basket weaving (gotta love new CA requirements)

[Tootsie]

Thanks for sharing, everyone. I know it will take time for me to heal. It feels good talking about it and hearing what others have gone through. My grandma was the first person that I've been close to pass away in my family. I am glad she is not suffering anymore. It just doesn't feel quite real to me yet. We talked almost everyday and when I see her name and number in my phone, it makes me really sad. I have been trying to keep positive and happy and remember the good times we had.

FAR - 76
AUD - 88!!! DONE!!!!!!!!
BEC - 76
REG - 77

never, never, never give up

[Anonymous]

Im in the same boat. My cousin back home went missing this past easter, about 3 weeks before my exam. I was so distracted by this and did not study like the usual for BEC. And 1 week before my test, his body was found so that really did it for me. My focus was gone and all i could think about was my uncle and aunt who lost their only son. The grieving is still ongoing as we are now looking for the person/ persons responsibl for his death. Anywho, if i dont see a passing grade tomorrow for BEC, i am not going to beat myself up for it and will just have to retake. There are just so many other worst things compared to failing a damn test. Keep your head up and pray that your grandma is already in good hands.

[Gatorbates]

Happy memories and realize that you had a chance to say goodbye, and knew it was coming. I lost my mom in a brutal car accident when I was 29 … talked to her twice a day every day until she passed. This was 10 years ago. I still am haunted by it, and the fact that I never got to say goodbye. If you are a woman of faith, look to God. That has helped me tremendously.

Licensed Florida CPA:
B: 71, 73, 79
A: 83
R: 78 (expired), 77
F: 74, 74, 80

It's finally freaking over.

[Tootsie]

It's been almost a week since my grandmother's passing. Tomorrow is the funeral service. I haven't wanted to study or do much of anything. It helps talking to family/friends and talking about the good times we had with my grandmother. I still feel like this is not real though. I miss her so much. Thanks again for sharing your stories and showing your support.

FAR - 76
AUD - 88!!! DONE!!!!!!!!
BEC - 76
REG - 77

never, never, never give up

[smp73]

Tootsie…I know tomorrow will be tough. Will be keeping you in my thoughts. Lean on your family/friends if you need them. Wishing you the best…

NYS CPA License # 113563
CIA: Done as of 2/15/14

Training for a half marathon post studying!

[Author]

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