[Rocky123]

How do you let a man know what he could lose (me) without shoving it in his face? How do I do it subtly?

No jokes, Skynet.

The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.

AUD-PASS
BEC-PASS
REG-PASS
FAR-PASS

Rocky123, CPA

[Rocky123]

@san

I don't think it's an issue of “alone time.” Now we spend every minute we can together. He said he hung in there because he wanted to be supportive of my career, even though it frustrated him at times.

@letters

maybe it isn't fair to expect an I love You this soon. We didn't start spending a lot of time together until the end of November. Before that is was a couple of times a week.

In any case, his communication style is a problem. I tell him my feelings and it takes him at least a day to process it and speak. SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!

The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.

AUD-PASS
BEC-PASS
REG-PASS
FAR-PASS

Rocky123, CPA

[Anonymous]

And @Skynet arrives!

[Anonymous]

Maybe you're just trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Although you enjoy spending time with him, he's supportive, he's nice to the kids, (insert more redeeming qualities here), it sounds like there may just be fundamental differences. Your communication/processing styles differ and your desires for the future may differ. At 41, I imagine there are some characteristics of his that are just not going to change.

So, if you can't accept that he may not want children, it takes him longer than you to process feelings, etc. then it may be time to move on and find a partner who's more on your page.

[san4596]

CPAMule – “Maybe you're just trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.” …….. That's what SHE SAID!!! LOL!

Sorry, I had to. 😉

CPA EXAM: DONE!!!!
Ethics Course: Passed
Application Mailed: 3/16/15
Professional Conduct Exam: 97
Certification Date: 4/2/15!!!

[How many letters do you need]

Rocky: well in that case maybe you are right. Still, If having a family is more important to you than this particular guy you really should have a frank and honest discussion about what you want and the time frame you are looking for, then just let the chips fall where they may. If, on the other hand you would be willing to give that up for this particular guy, then I think the subtle wait and see route is the best way to go. But either way you have to be very honest with yourself…

MBA,CMA,CPA, CFF?, ABV?

[WelpCPA2014]

Hey Rocky,

In the another71 lounge, I just came across this post from you (which I found interesting after reading this current post):

in response to, “What's everyone doing for the holidays?”

Rocky123

What I AM doing:

Enjoying the holidays with my kids and parents

What I'm NOT doing:

Spending it with my boyfriend. He chose her because she does not approve of him dating someone with children. 🙁

My question is who is this “her” you are speaking of??

B-79
A-79
R-76
F-77

FINALLY DONE!!!!!

[ruggercpa2b]

At 41 I think he should know what he wants in a relationship and what he doesn't. The only problem is that you have already invested a year and if it takes him another year or so to evaluate the relationship, are you willing to wait? I think you are forgetting that it was to be a two way thing. Just because you want kids right away does not mean that he wants kids right away. It sounds like you are focusing on your needs and the ticking clock and not so much hearing what he is saying. He is saying I want to take time to get to know each and you are going to have to deal with that and wait. Just because he is a nice guy and think he would be a great parent because of how he interacts with your kids does not mean that is what he wants. The last thing you want is to bring children into the mix and he doesn't want them or is clearly saying he not ready. For now enjoy the dating phase and go with the flow.

Don't force someone into something that they don't want because you may end up raising that other child by yourself.

AUD - NINJA in Training
BEC - NINJA in Training
FAR - NINJA in Training
REG - NINJA in Training

AUD - 1/6/18
FAR - TBD
REG - TBD
BEC - TBD

AUD - 73, 72 retake 7/2/2016
BEC - 8/20/2016
REG - TBD
FAR - TBD

I am so ready for this nightmare to be over. Been at this way too long.

[tomq04]

Well that's an interesting post to drudge up

REG- (1) 76
FAR- (2) 64, (5)74, (7)83 (Over achiever!)
AUD- (3) 70, (4) 75
BEC- (6) 75

[ScarletKnightCPA]

Don't beat around the bush, be blunt, but only do it if it's actually going to happen.

Far: 76 (Wiley Test Bank)
Aud: 77 (Wiley Test Bank)
Reg: 61, 76 (Wiley book, Wiley Test Bank)
Bec: 86 (Wiley Test Bank)

MBA in progress

[Rocky123]

You guys are right. You can't force someone to do something that they don't want to do. If I force him, the results could be diastrous. I don't want the baby to have a father that doesn't really want him or her. I want a FAMILY, not a baby.

I'm more concerned about his communication style. We are currently not speaking. This has gone on our entire relationship. I speak my feelings, and he needs a day or longer to process his thoughts/feelings. He says he likes to take his time and choose his words carefully. That he doesn't want to say things that he will regret. But I can't stand the silence.

The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.

AUD-PASS
BEC-PASS
REG-PASS
FAR-PASS

Rocky123, CPA

[Tripp11]

I simply can't imagine loving someone, and then not having that person talk to me on a regular basis. When you say, “we are currently not speaking”, that just seems off to me.

I personally think raw emotion is the most pure and true. If he takes days or weeks to think about how to respond to a simple question or issue you two might having, that again seems off to me. Almost like he wants to cover all of his bases. That has to be extremely frustrating for you. Hell, it's frustrating for me, and I'm just reading this tread and not living it. 🙂

Relationships are give and take, and they take tons of communication and even more work. Sounds like he has difficulty with the communication side of things.

You are exactly right though. Your clock is ticking, and after a year of dating, he should be able to answer if he wants to have kids with you and he should be able to say “I love you”. If he is just dragging this on, because it's comfortable for him, then this could go on for years. That's not something I would want to risk if I were in my late 30's.

AUD - 93
BEC - 80
REG - 86
FAR - 83

[Rocky123]

@Tripp

Friends are telling me to give him time. I don't know what to do.

I texted him something at lunch yesterday. I was nice and explained my feelings about something. It was NOT related to the baby situation. No response. I don't know what to assume. Is he done? Is he thinking? No clue.

I'm done reaching out. This is stressing me out to no end.

The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.

AUD-PASS
BEC-PASS
REG-PASS
FAR-PASS

Rocky123, CPA

[Tripp11]

It has to be agonizing for you, because you've made the leap that you love him, you've told him you love him, and you even have visions of having children (or a child) with him. In return, you get silence. Ugh.

I'm sorry.

I was once one of those guys who just couldn't commit and I dated my now wife for 5 years. 5 years while she fielded questions of “what's wrong with him?” or “why are you waiting on him?” I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be ready, but then she had this “it's now or nothing” talks with me. I finally understood. She had a clock, always ticking. I just never understood that. I was dumb.

Now we have a wonderful family with an amazing 5 year old with another one on the way. And I look back and my only regret was I wish I would have started it all sooner.

From your posts here, you're a good person….hell, a great person. Keep your head up, and in the end, you'll know what to do and what not to do. Just go with your heart.

AUD - 93
BEC - 80
REG - 86
FAR - 83

[Mamabear]

Rocky–My husband was that way when we met. We had no back and forth communication about serious topics. He needed time to think about what I said before he responded because he didn't want to say something in the heat of the moment or that he would regret later. I waited it out because I was young and thought I could change him and he has so many other great qualities. He gradually improved over the first decade, but it was only since we had our third child that he really has become the communicator I wanted when we got together. So it took 13 years. We've been together 15 years now and I can honestly say there is no way in the world I would ever wait for someone like that again. I don't have time for that nonsense anymore, especially now that I have kids. I am not going to play games with men who are old enough to know how to communicate. It's not worth it. You can wait it out, but if he can't communicate at 41 I doubt waiting is going to make a difference.

CPA Exam - Finally DONE (November 2014)
BEC (08/10/13) 80
AUD (08/24/13) 65 (11/13/13) 85
FAR (04/12/14) 81
REG (07/19/14) 69 (11/29/14) 87!!

[mla1169]

Now this goes back to where I started. Is his communication style a dealbreaker with you or could you tolerate it long term? Don't count on him changing, but do make a decision about your tolerance level for his style of communication and either accept it as it is, or let him know that it just doesn't fit in with your expectations about a relationship.

Bottom line is this, no relationship is perfect. It doesn't seem like the two of you are on the same page about the major items, even going back reading your older posts you seem to have quite a bit of angst about his expectations vs yours. If things stay exactly the same, can you see yourself with him in 5 or 10 years still? If not its time for what good southern women call a “Come to Jesus”. Lay it all out and say “I can compromise on A, B, and C but can't bend on X, Y, and Z so where does that leave us?”

FAR- 77
AUD -49, 71, 84
REG -56,75!
BEC -75

Massachusetts CPA (non reporting) since 3/12.

[Author]

Replies