April 20, 2020 at 1:57 am #2983814SandyParticipant
I am not sure what to do right now. I hope to get some advice from people in this forum.
I have started my first accounting job about 2 year ago. It's a small local firm with about 30 people. Partners and colleagues are nice to me and I like what I am doing: corporate taxes, individual taxes and a few review engagements. I passed all four sections of CPA exams, and getting ready to apply for my CPA license. The partner hasn’t signed off yet.
However, I started to develop close friendship with one of the seniors and we had exchanged personal text messages and went out for lunch a few times. We also went to the client’s site together a few times.
My husband found out about my close relationship with that guy in February and wasn’t happy about it. He thinks we are having some sort of affair and wants me to leave the firm and look for other jobs. He doesn’t think my relationship with the senior is that simple and don’t want to see me going in that office again.
Right now, I am working remotely so there’s no issue. However, he said I can either keep working remotely or trying to find new jobs.
However, because of the COVID-19, all the accounting firms are probably not hiring new staffs. I saw a few job openings on the other accounting firms and tax auditor job from the local government. My question is what should I do now? When do you think would be a good timing to apply for new job?April 20, 2020 at 3:19 am #2983832vbmerParticipant
Respectfully, it sounds like you're having more of a marital problem than a work problem… If your husband can't deal with you having friends at work, especially in a people business like public accounting, I think that's a problem you guys need to resolve. What will you do if you do get a new job? Not make friends? Not go out to lunch with your colleagues?April 20, 2020 at 9:18 pm #2984321SkynetParticipant
You should leave your husband and be with me.
I don't mind you hanging out with some of the Seniors at work nor do I mind having an “Open Relationship”. In fact I encourage it. 😬April 27, 2020 at 11:20 pm #2988395LongShotParticipant
First off, I'm not trying to come off as some mean/accusatory guy, I'm just trying to call em like I sees em. Take that for what you will.
The fact that you phrased it as “My husband found out about my close relationship with that guy in February” even in a forum where your husband, presumably, wouldn't see it is about the biggest of big red flags. Were you keeping it a secret that you were close friends with a guy at work for 2 years? Based on phrasing, that appears to be the case.
I've always been forthcoming with my wife about who I work with, sometimes even traveling several states away with 1 coworker of the opposite gender. I've never left it to the point she would have to find out about it 2 years later-work happens, everyone gets that.
My wife has worked with attractive, successful doctors and I've never cared-because she's told me about it. If I “found out about” a close relationship she'd been having years after it started, I'd have questions, too. Honestly, I'd have a whole lot of questions.
Again, not trying to be accusatory in any way, just answering based on the bit of context I have. My honest advice, given the state of the world, is cut off the personal stuff with guy, be open and honest with your husband, and keep the job you have. Jobs might be hard to come by here pretty soon.April 28, 2020 at 4:03 am #2988467CPAHOPEParticipant
It sounds like you're physically attractive lady. My question is why did you exchange personal text messages with the senior? You shouldve politely declined and tell him that your husband wouldn't like it. The best advice is keep it professional at all times and just keep the jobs. Jobs arent easy to getApril 28, 2020 at 2:00 pm #2988797ReckedParticipant
Pics would make this thread 1000 times better. For research…April 28, 2020 at 2:07 pm #2988800fsugirl2005Participant
I'm sorry but some of the responses in this thread are absolutely hilarious…LOL!
On a serious note though OP, you need to stop the personal stuff with the Senior. You see, this is how emotional affairs(and then physical) start. Nothing good comes of them and in the workplace, there goes more issues because it can turn into sexual harassment stuff.
So just going by what you've said here, I'm team husband. I don't recommend you quit your job though unless you really want to do something else. You will just have to be completely honest with your hubby.April 28, 2020 at 3:30 pm #2988854Lindsey_p87Participant
I honestly do think you can have male friends at work, but I kind of agree with Fsugirl here, it's a slippery slope to an emotional affair and you really need to be careful. Just kind of an anecdote, but there were 2 accountant that used to work in my dept (neither are still there) that became very close friends, always going to lunch together, acting super buddy-buddy, etc. Everyone in the office thought they were sleeping together, even though he was married. So even if your friendship is actually platonic, others may not see it that way and it's a good way to have rumors started about you.
I do think your husband's demands of finding a new job are a little extreme though, unless there's more to the story that you're not telling us. I would just distance yourself from this person once you get back to the office and be completely open to your husband about any texts, assignments, etc. going forward. Keep things professional, which is really the best plan with any coworker. Maybe it's a cynical outlook, but I firmly believe that our coworkers are not our friends. It may seem like they are, but in the workplace ultimately everyone is going to protect themselves over getting fired.April 28, 2020 at 7:11 pm #2989085Jeff Elliott, CPAKeymaster
My advice won't sit well with some, but that's ok.
My wife and I are very involved with marriage ministry at church and helping couples in crisis.
I personally know several couples that have had the nuclear bomb of infidelity dropped on them.
Some of their marriages survived – some of them didn't.
Being cordial with other co-workers is one thing. Its expected.
Going out to lunch one-on-one and texting back and forth = playing with fire and it's how affairs start.
If the grass ever seems greener on the other side … it's because there's a septic tank underneath 🙂
Cut off all contact with the dude outside of what's needed for work. Otherwise – leave the firm.
I'm no marital counselor – but I've sat and listened for hours from people who have been in similar situations that led to things that had disastrous consequences.April 29, 2020 at 3:16 pm #2989340vbmerParticipant
I've seen junior staff who don't chat outside work or go out to lunch with their coworkers – they usually crash out of the firm at the earliest opportunity because of poor cultural fit. Being a professional is all about building relationships, and internal relationships are even more important than external relationships. Part of that relationship building is having friends. I have a couple of friends close enough that we can take weekend trips together. (obviously not all the time, but once or twice a year) I think you should definitely try to maintain a diverse group of friends, because the last thing you want to do is become too emotionally invested in your firm, but I would never discourage anyone from developing close friendships with their coworkers if you're serious about being a professional. Sharing a life with your spouse does not mean you can't have your own friends or professional ambitions.May 8, 2020 at 10:57 am #299750112tangParticipant
Few things to address here. First, your husband shouldn't be calling for your job transfer. If he thinks that a job change will stop men from wanting to be around you, he's mistaken. Secondly, you should be aware that communicating with other men one-on-one unbeknownst to your husband is a huge risk for ending a marriage. You're married, so you should be absolutely in love with your man, or at least more in love than a new couple. Don't use other men's desire as a test of your man's strength, if that's what you're doing. You should understand that while you have good intentions of developing work relationships, most men cannot separate friendship with desire. I guarantee your senior wants more than friendship as he sees the one-on-one interactions as possibility for more (trust me, I'm a guy, I know how we think). Keep it cordial in the workplace, but no one-on-one interactions outside of work, period.May 9, 2020 at 3:06 am #2998305ellejayParticipant
The choice depends on what you value the most – your marriage or your job. Personally I would keep my marriage over any job, without skipping a beat. I recommend distancing yourself from the senior in the meantime and being transparent with your husband. I’m assuming he’s not being overly insecure and that he discovered something about your relationship that he found inappropriate given the poor timing of his request you leave the job.
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