[Rocky123]

How do you let a man know what he could lose (me) without shoving it in his face? How do I do it subtly?

No jokes, Skynet.

The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.

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Rocky123, CPA

[Rocky123]

I told him I'm having this conversation for the last time. That I wasn't going to tolerate this communication barrier anymore. He said he would be more open. He has said this before, but I made it crystal clear that this is it.

The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.

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Rocky123, CPA

[Tripp11]

Good luck, Rocky! I hope it goes well and you can look back on this thread someday and laugh it all away.

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[fuzyfro89]

Wish I could be more helpful.

From my (limited) experience in real life, I'll just add that you should be VERY CLEAR about your wants/needs/goals and find out if he shares the ones that are important for you.

I know you really want another child, but I think you're going about the decision process in a biased way. I can't tell you to give up that goal, but how would it feel to have a child if a relationship/marriage later ends up not working out?

Food for thought, which would be worse: a) get married, have kid, marriage ends, b) get married, don't have kid, marriage survives.

Not saying these are the only two options, but assuming you want to 1) get married AND 2) have a child, how would you feel if 1 and 2 happened but the marriage did/did not survive?

Jus tsomething to consider as you try and hurry along both choices jointly.

Good luck!

[ruggercpa2b]

Mmmmm Fuzyfro just brought up something interesting. I know you have mentioned that you want a child with him. Do you want to get married to him and then have a child or you just want a child with him?

Considering you have been together for a year with not much dating to be pushing for marriage already can be a little too much for someone who feels like they barely know you to commit. And if you are pushing for a child when he keeps saying he barely knows you then you need to slow it down.

AUD - NINJA in Training
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AUD - 1/6/18
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AUD - 73, 72 retake 7/2/2016
BEC - 8/20/2016
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I am so ready for this nightmare to be over. Been at this way too long.

[Rocky123]

He brought up the idea of living together. He hasn't “officially” asked me and I haven't “officially” given an answer, but I wanted to get some thoughts.

Is living together before marriage a good/bad idea? I've never done that before. Also, I have 2 kids that would be involved and parents that would not like the situation.

I'm just trying to think about my options. I'm 39 and want a family with him. I don't have the luxury of going at a snail's pace.

The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.

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Rocky123, CPA

[mla1169]

Heres what concerns me, what I haven't read here is “this is the person I want to grow old with. The last person I see before I go to bed and the first person I see in the morning for the rest of my life.”

I know that a lot is lost in translation on a message board and that may well be the way you feel, but take the ticking biological clock out of the equation. If you knew for a fact right this minute that babies were not an option (for any number of reasons, being hypothetical) is he still THE one?

Also if communucation is an issue do you want to be an exhausted 40 year old mom with a newborn and two pre-teens whose significant other “needs time to think”?

I dont see any issue with living together before marriage, you're a woman who does not need approval to do whats best for you and your family. You DO however need to get your ex on board with the idea, or at least not contentious about it. Because regardless he is the father of the 2 children you already have. And honestly if you need to ask, you're not ready.

FAR- 77
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Massachusetts CPA (non reporting) since 3/12.

[Rocky123]

My ex and I get along fine when everything is going well, but he will not hesitate to bring me down in a blink of an eye. Does my ex REALLY have a say in this? I mean, could he do anything legally?

The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.

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Rocky123, CPA

[mla1169]

Well whether he can legally do anything has to do with the terms of your custody agreement but in general, no. Problem is, if he has your kids part of the time, you don't want him to make them uncomfortable by asking questions or making comments. I understand he SHOULDN'T do either in front of your kids, and that would make him immature, but still you're the mama bear and know him best. If he's the type to make your kids pawns in a game, as some people will, you've got to consider that as well.

FAR- 77
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REG -56,75!
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Massachusetts CPA (non reporting) since 3/12.

[Liss, Master of Coin]

May I ask, have you considered or asked what your 2 kids want?

They are already from a broken home, I’m guessing they haven't seen their mother much while you were studying. And now they are sharing you with a boyfriend. How are they going to feel about sharing you with a new baby?

As a child of divorced parents, I've been in the middle of the games parents play (that mla mentioned). I was 18 when they divorced, and it was hell. I couldn't imagine going through that as a pre-teen; what my high school years would have been like. Though I imagine it would have been close to my sister experience, who was 13 when they divorced, and rebelled a lot more during high school than I did. I am grateful my parents didn't re-marry or have more kids after that divorce. It’s hard enough now trying to give each parent time during the holidays, and dealing with how my parents feel about my sister's baby daddy. Family gatherings are already a nightmare. I’m glad I don't have to deal with step mommy or step daddy issues too.

I know you are against the sperm donor route, though I'm not sure why; you are the one that wants a 3rd baby and with a ticking clock, so I'm not sure why that is not even an option. You already raise 2 kids at least part time alone, so that shouldn't be the issue.

Have you thought about adopting? I personally wouldn't want to adopt my first child just because I want to be pregnant at least once; you have already been pregnant, twice. You're a CPA so I'm guessing you can provide financially to a child that needs a good home. You have kids so I'm guessing proving that to the courts you're a good mother should be relatively easy. Plus, you wouldn't be starting your ‘real' family with a new husband and new baby, so it probably wouldn't affect the 2 kids you already have too badly. They may even react better to a new sibling if you are giving needy baby a good home.

Regardless, before you make any decisions, I feel like you should ask your 2 kids that are already here. Whatever you decide will affect them too.

CPA (MA, Non Reporting) since Oct. 2015

 

B – 33, 71, 79

A – 32, 61, 70, 83

R – 33, 58, 73, 69, 81

F – 47, 78

1st test 01/19/2013

Last test 05/26/2015

 

CPA (MA, Non-Reporting)

The difference in winning & losing is most often, not quitting - Walt Disney

B - 33, 71, 79!
A - 32, 61, 70, 83!
R - 33, 58, 73, 69, 81!
F - 47, 78! 🙂
After 3 long years, I'm finally DONE!
I could not have done it without NINJA MCQs.

Used: Roger for his Videos, WTB, and NINJA Audio, Notes and Test Bank.

[wombataholic]

Regarding the living together question, I'm in favor of it.

If you live separately, each person can still hide deep character flaws, to a certain extent. By living together for a while, you will get to see the good and bad sides of each other before making further commitments.

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[Tripp11]

I lived with my girlfriend for a full year under the same roof, and we also bought a house together before we officially tied the knot. Now, I would not recommend the joint house purchase for obvious reasons; however, living together really cemented my belief that we could do this forever – and we're going on 8 years of wonderful marriage.

My parents are also very devout Catholics and did not approve of our arrangement; however, they stopped having any control over my life when I went away for college and became an adult making my own decisions and paying for my own way. I made a decision that was best for me, not for them.

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[Rocky123]

I don't think my kids would mind living with him. They are always excited to go to his place. I'm not too worried about them being unhappy.

I'm not doing the donor route because I want a family. I want the baby to have a mother and a father. I don't want to do it alone. Nor can I do it financially.

The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.

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[Anonymous]

I think it's a good idea to live with a guy before getting married. My husband and I moved in together after we got engaged. However, I'd never move in with someone who couldn't tell me they loved me. It would be a waste of time. Based on what you have posted about this dude, I don't understand why you are still with him.

[Rocky123]

Well, for a good portion of the year we've been dating, I have been studying. We've only been really seeing each other on an almost daily basis since November.

Do you think it's fair to expect an “I love you” at this point?

The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.

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[tomq04]

Do you really think it's fair to live together before said love was confirmed?

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[Author]

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